Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*

Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.

My spirit animal is fried chicken

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

WAITER: how would you like your eggs

ME: nogged

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.

TV Show Idea:

Speculation news.

A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.

I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.

I still use the word “dude”.

I don’t give a dude.

I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust