“How funny would it be if we made the packaging hard to open on a regular day, but nearly impossible if you’re bleeding out?”
– makers of band-aids
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[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
The best shot in the history of golf
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
what kind of cook setting is this??
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it