How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
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the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
This is what happened. I hit the scorpion emoji by accident which made it go into my frequent emojis & it was very hectic & I wasn’t paying attention & most of my texts to people yesterday ended with a scorpion by mistake instead of a heart. Anyway. Sorry about all the scorpions