@meganamram

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

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@skullcat

You’re so empty inside….nnn….stupid fridge.

@noogscorner

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

@AngelaEhh

If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?

@Home_Halfway

{At concert}
“JUMP AROUND! JUMP AROUND! JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN!!”
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG

@MatCro

IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?

ME: Your guess is as good as mine

I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans

M: Ok I take that back

@LostFelicia

The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.

@pinupteacher

After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.

@crunchenhancer

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

@sixfootcandy

Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,

WE HATE YOU!

Sincerely,

Everyone born in December.

@JohnLyonTweets

Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.