@meganamram

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

- @meganamram

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@ZoeeSom

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

@jackmackenroth

It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.

@fro_vo

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

@ieatanddrink

If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with

@buck4itt

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

@AudreyPorne

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

@joshgondelman

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

@withanewname

“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”

“You mean the birds & the bees?”

“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”

@sageboggs

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

@SlabBaconBP

My son asked me what humble means. I told him it means pretending you’re not better than everybody else.