You’re so empty inside….nnn….stupid fridge.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
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Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
“JUMP AROUND! JUMP AROUND! JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN!!”
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
After seeing my dog scoot her butt across my rug, I’ve decided I need to up my break dancing game.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Everyone born in December.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.