Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[When I offer my kid a new food]

Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?

[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]

Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT

Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.

Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*

5-year-old: Who’s there?

Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.

5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?

Coffee: hi

Me: hey

*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.

Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.

Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.

the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going

Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.

Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?

Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month

Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes

I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents

Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.

magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.