Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

Chicken bread

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M

I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..

-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?

-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do

-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day

“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!

You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles

God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?

Her: Sure, I’d love to

Me: Wtf is wrong with you

My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?

If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me