“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
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[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
WIFE: So what did you do today?
ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
