Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Me: i need a copy of this key.

hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.

me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.

Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

*unzips babybell cheese*

yeah. that’s him.

*rezips babybell cheese*

You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all

“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping

if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun

It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”

“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”

People at work: you’re hilarious,man

Family: you’re really funny

Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know

Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job

Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.

Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.

[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”

I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?