“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
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Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago