How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
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One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
“Do you have vegan options?”
“I’m a black belt in tofu!”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
“If you swallow cherry pits, a cherry tree will grow in your stomach” have you seen cherry prices lately? That sounds like a great way to save money
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
[poorly lit restaurant]
me: I can’t see the menu
wife: just ask the waiter to bring some candles
me: no I want food
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
respect
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?