How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
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I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”
Rubbing lotion on complete strangers not because I want to but because they need it.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Husband: Why can’t you ever be serious?
Me: *olives on all my fingers* Because olive you
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
😤😤
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.