How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
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How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
When I sing in the shower the water turns cold
[jail]
Me: what are ya in for?Cell mate: Cannibalism. You?
Me: I licked ice cream at the store and put it back in the freezer
Cell mate: wtf man that’s sick
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.