How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
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Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Rt to bother an English speaker
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Sunday
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor