*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
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Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.
republican: taxes are bad
democrat: they’re good
[i ride by on a skateboard eating go-gurt] its yogurt in a tube, dipshits. ever heard of it
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Had a COVID scare because I couldn’t taste anything.
Turns out, that’s how La Croix is supposed to be.
Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Me: *marking chart*
Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.