How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
So we got a goldfish…
Breaking news:
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”