@OMGSoOverIt

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

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@MelvinofYork

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

@novicefather

Pour your beer in a coffee cup because sometimes walking around with a beer during breakfast is frowned upon.

@mikefossey

republican: taxes are bad
democrat: they’re good
[i ride by on a skateboard eating go-gurt] its yogurt in a tube, dipshits. ever heard of it

@Mike_Batt

Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.

@ColeNoorda

Had a COVID scare because I couldn’t taste anything.

Turns out, that’s how La Croix is supposed to be.

@DonQuickoats

Which lip am I supposed to bite to look sexy in selfies? Cuz I look like a werewolf when I bite my top lip

@Megatronic13

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

@Molly_Kats

WHO ARE YOU RUNNING FROM IN YOUR OWN APARTMENT YOU FAT MONSTER NEIGHBOR I shout to my ceiling.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: do you like piña coladas?

Date: yes

Me: *marking chart*

Human Robot
——————————
|

Me: and getting caught in the rain?

Date: not really

Me: *eyes narrow*

@LurkAtHomeMom

A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.