How high do the levels go?
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I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
where the womens at?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes