How high do the levels go?
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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Human are so complicated
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
awkward
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality