how high up are we talkin’?
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[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
We’re possibly the most untrustworthy nation due to our inability to control our politeness.
All right then, keep your secrets
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.