how high up are we talkin’?
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[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
how it started vs how it ended
Are the people in charge of naming the Valspar paints ok?
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now