how high up are we talkin’?
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I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Lucky old June.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
Some people were born into their job.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.