how high up are we talkin’?
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Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Me: I say it will be $750
Hubs: I say $630
Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29
Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!
Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.