Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

Called in, “If we’re living in a simulation, just simulate that I’m in the office today.”

A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.

Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band

March, April May

My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.

All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond

Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big

When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.

I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.

My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”

My attitude hurts, I’m going to bed

Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?

Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.

Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser

BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.