How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
You Might Also Like
casually asking “how do you think you’d do as a pole vaulter” on a first date
Y’all know who you are.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.