Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.

This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief

Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow

Me: I can put you in touch with a medium

Starbucks Manager: A what

If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?

*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.

I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.

BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys

HEART: yay!

ANXIETY: idk about this

INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time