how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
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[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope