how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
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Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits