how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
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It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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interviewer: why are there so many huge gaps on your resume
me: honestly i’m still sorta figuring out microsoft word
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved