How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
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[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
always very funny to me when people get all dressed up for thanksgiving. you’re going to stand around your nana’s house do we really need to be doing business casual here
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”
My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”
Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here
If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.