HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
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All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
What if you’re only given pork to eat in the afterlife? Would that be eternal hamnation?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo