Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living

Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.

Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.

“Why’s that?”

Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv

“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

[first day as chinese police officer]

me: guys…it happened again.

[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec

this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out

DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips

ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.