HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
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“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.