@desiswaaag

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

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@SatansTongue

*walks in stumbling*
Jesus, Paul how much have you had?!?
“Just a couple shots”
Oh that’s not bad then
*flashback to Paul injecting heroin*

@badtweetist

*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*

@TheAlexNevil

Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope

@AnkCoupleTO

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

@TheAlexNevil

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

@robdelaney

If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.

@howe007

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

@FunnyTunes

Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.

@amazymay72x

What would u do if u won the lotto?

10yo: Buy legos & a bigger house for u.
11yo: I’d buy a monkey.

Going to be extra nice to my 10yo.