First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

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me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok


When you compare the size of a gummy worm versus a gummy bear, it starts to paint a horrific picture of the gummy universe.


Something you may have in your house right now could be killing your children. We’ll tell you about it in 2 days.

– Local News


I swear to holy hell, Aunt Pat, I would rather lick a midget’s taint than accept your invitation to play Lucky Slots.


Me: it’s been a while since I did anything embarrassingly clumsy

Universe: give it time


“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.


Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.


[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww