how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
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99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
…& against the advice of everyone in the drum circle greg unsealed the pack of natural hemp paper & rolled the 7th blunt, summoning the four hippies of the hackey sackolypse
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok