Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.

*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.

You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.

If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.

mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places

[In football huddle]

“What do you guys think happens when we die?”

I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.

Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.

Whenever I need a good laugh…

…I start reading suggested serving sizes.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

Husband “I thought you were dieting?”

Me “I am”

Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”

Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”

*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.

And we wonder why America is getting fat.

MATH

I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.

GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes

ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome

GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken

In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball

I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it

Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”

I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.

Being Tall:

Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.

Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.

Dear Fox news,

I have yet to see any news about foxes.

Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman