Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”

I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.

Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters

the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?

ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*