How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
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Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.