How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
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What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Your Time On Earth Is Limited. Don’t Try To “Age With Grace,” Age With Mischief, Audacity, And A Good Story To Tell.😉💂🏻♀️👋🏻🇬🇧🍻
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
I am absolutely never leaving this website
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
This made me chuckle cuz mood
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning