Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

interviewer: how’s your handwriting?

me: oh not bad

interviewer: what about the other letters?

My 9yo on Shark Tank:

“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”

😂

Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?

2019: no carbs

2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.

My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.

English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.

Amazon review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”