Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school.

Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

Dad, did you let the parrot name me?

– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.

*first day as a lawyer*

Bailiff: All rise for the judge.

Me: *too lazy* Objection.

Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.

Jfc.

WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?

~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

Me: so what does your husband do?

Her: he’s a dermatologist

Me: pore guy :/

everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.

Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.