Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To err is human… To not know what err means is American.

currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.

Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.

Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.

boat question

It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.

[at wife’s funeral]

Son: At least shes in heaven now

Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.

Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.

A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.

Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year

RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”

The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)