How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
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If you send a “u up” text late enough, it becomes a sweet “good morning” text
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
*seductively eats two tums*
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
