How I like cutting carbs
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You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*
Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there