How I like cutting carbs
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Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Me- Are you ready for school?
13- I don’t need school, I’m smarter than Shakespeare. Wait, was that a real guy?
Me- I’ll meet you in the car
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
? 💀
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.