Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway

when I write a work email so good I go into Sent and admire my work

For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.

8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you

stranger: is this snake poisonous?

us: nah fam,

stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*

us: it’s venomous tho

My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.

Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”

* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa

Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”

Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.

Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.

If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.

Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…

[rearranges letters]

“BIRAC UBOMA”

[audience gasps]

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:

Robots…

– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up

Wife: Hit the light.

*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)

Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.