how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
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Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
phew
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.