How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
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Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
*Into hospital bathroom emergency intercom*: um, someone put the toilet roll on backwards
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
some cats are just doing for fun!
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Saw someone get offended online and comment “two shay” and I can’t stop thinking about it
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
socratic questions
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?