How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
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Weighing up my bread heating options
genius
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
Me, as a cicada: Guys we all have to stop talking at the same time.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!