how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
You Might Also Like
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.