Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

tfw you realize …

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.

Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.

Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”

Stan: “Hey there.”

[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT

[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your house

me: I’m at the supermarket

murderer: ok

me: I’ll be there in 10

I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare

My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account

Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing

somewhere, in an alternate universe

My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.

All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner

Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here