Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.

Me: Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.

Also me: No, $9.11 does not count.

I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.

If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it

[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair

I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you

if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.

Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?

The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.

Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard

Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.

“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced

INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃

making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me

I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”