Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.

My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

True.

I’m afraid to be cremated and have the whole place smelling like honey BBQ and bacon

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.

Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT

Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago

Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.

My workout schedule:

1. Run half mile
2. 10 reps of 5 lb. hand weights
3. 35 year break
4. Protein shake
5. Repeat

Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.

Just parrot things

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”