Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals

It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!

Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

LMAO.

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!

Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.

It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.

Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.

Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate

I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake

Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”

– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.

I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.

When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard

My second thought is virgin wizard

Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.