How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
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There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
it is time once again
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”