How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
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Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Me too 😆
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Me trying to walk in a dream
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”