little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
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Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Note to self: I am a note
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.