How I’d get arrested…
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I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
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