At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
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Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.