How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
Real 😅
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Every. Damn. Time.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
brian had himself a morning…
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
me when I see my crush
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say