Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

relationship tips:

– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

Therapist: How do you feel?

Me: With my hands.

T: Do you deflect a lot?

Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.

If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.

when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”

when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?

“You mean MAY, not CAN”

Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died

Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.

Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’

Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.

Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep

If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”

You can avoid every meeting.

You’re welcome.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*

Try and spy on me now!

*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*

SON OF A

A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.