How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
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[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
shazam but for random noises outside
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
What if the weather talks about us?
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes