Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
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pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
kitchen magnet
Oh, I bet you would be
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
I really would love to see two mimes arguing