How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
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Celery is depressing green water wafers.
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.