How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
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*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Grandmother clock.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera