How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
You Might Also Like
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”