Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.

It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

[Quarantine, Day 5]

Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long

My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.

*first date*

Me: *don’t be weird don’t be weird don’t be weird*

“OHMYGOD I have an app that can show us what our kids will look like.”

Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me 

– Kanye West warming up

Today the vet told me “you have a really good dog” and I said I know she’s perfect and holds my mental health on her little shoulders and she laughed nervously and said “oh no, that’s pretty heavy” and i was like damn dude, ok??? you can tell, huh? Alright calm down lol geez

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”

Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

Alexa: *deep breath*

Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.

Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying

*first day in prison orientation*

Warden: Are there any questions?

Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?

Warden: …

Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!

Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.

My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again