how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
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Oh deer
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
Signatures as a form of legal identification purely theatre at this point. You’re telling me I can make pretty much whatever squiggly line I want on this piece of paper and now I control my father’s pesticide company? Grow up.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”