How is it still this week?
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I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
it’s finally my moment to shine
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
12. I think about this all the damn time
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
