Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend

I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers

When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.

[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome

“Susan, will you marry me?”

“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”

Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.

*First Date*

Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down

working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

Look at phone to see what the time is.

Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check Twitter

Still no clue what the time is.

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade

Me: Sweet!

Clerk: Exactly

date: what music do you listen to?
me: oh, uhh you know. crosby, stills. (1 hour later) nash. (sending her a text message the next day) and young

[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.