@markedly

How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

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@lmegordon

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

@ethanjacobslaw

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

@dafloydsta

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

@CopBroughtPizza

[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.

@RealRebelElle

Them: Who’s going to enforce this ban on gatherings?

The boss: People will just have to use common sense

—And this folks, is how the world ends

@ohen39

me: *crying* I think I have lost my perception of time
doctor: when did it start?
me: [reaching for tissue] 6000 years ago

@octoberjuneblog

The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him

@Pirate_nurse

I get the whole 3 meals a day thing but I’m confused about how many at night?

@ibid78

[God waking up with a hangover] last night was a blur. Whose prayers did I answer?
[sees Trump leading in the polls] uh oh