How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do

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When my husband gives me shit for taking too long to get ready, I remind him that you never know when you’ll meet the man of your dreams.


Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.


Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity


If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.


Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake


ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them


You’re soft. You don’t know what Sesame St was like before Elmo.

[Flicks cigarette.]


[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]


My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.