How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
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[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
*looks up from pestle and mortar
“Powdering this baby is HARD!”
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.