How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
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Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
sign of the times 🖊
