Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

Genie: last wish

Me: I wish I could fly

*poof*

Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Divorce:

Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street

Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

[first date]

Her: I love your scent, what is it?

Me: desperation.

Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?

Me: Yes.

Son: But you didn’t smell me.

Me: Yes.

wow

cushion on the right slightly discoloured

I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud

Me: I know how windows work pal

[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.

ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower