Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.

Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)

Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday

Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-

me: I broke my leg, can anyone help

guy: I know what to do

me: oh thank goodness

guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses

me: k wait

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks

If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.

[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella

[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife

“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”

-Families making Christmas plans in 2020

Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”

…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”

[commercial for tupperware]

Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?

– Tupperware

My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off

*gets in the bus*

*Brings out earphones*

*untangles*

*arrives*

I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata